Coaching and advice from a certified Intimacy Educator about how to have sex after divorce
There are two sides to the story when it comes to sex after divorce. Some people want to be back in the saddle, while others feel they will never be ready. There’s no wrong or right timeline. The important thing is to wait until it feels right for your body and to take time to master modern sex dating and sex. Once the divorce dust has settled, the most important question is how to have sex again or start dating again. Everyone’s pace is different, which is okay.
Consider these questions before you start sex after divorce
Do you feel like you have processed your feelings?
Divorces are not all the same and each one leaves behind different emotional traumas. To help you deal with the emotions that will likely arise, it can be beneficial to get therapy or coaching.
Do you still feel blindsided or angry by grief and anger?
It is normal to feel sadness or anger even if the decision to end a relationship was right. Grief doesn’t only involve the loss of a partner; it also involves coming to terms with unmet needs. While these emotions are normal, it is important to allow them to recede before moving on.
Is it guilt-inducing to think of someone else having sex?
It may take some time to get rid of the feeling that you can’t flirt with someone if you have been in monogamous relationships for a long period. It’s OK to take things slow and to get comfortable talking to new people before you move on to the next stage.
Are you confident enough to do it on your own?
People can become comfortable seeing themselves as part of a longer-lasting relationship. It is important to learn to be independent and to remember who you are alone before adding others to the mix. You don’t need to have sex in order to feel confident. Instead, make a new friend and practice the skills and hobbies you love.
Find someone who is willing to have sex.
Trust your gut
It is easy to feel overwhelmed if you haven’t dated in a while. Don’t allow anyone to take advantage of you vulnerability or inexperience. Always do a gut check. If you don’t feel comfortable with something, it probably isn’t right for you. It’s not necessary to do something you don’t like.
You can try new things
Although you don’t necessarily have to try something new or different, it is possible to if you want. You don’t need to be a sex expert, no matter how you were treated in your marriage. There are so many options for sexual pleasure. So take some time to explore your fantasies. It’s not uncommon for values or interests to change over the course of time.
Safety for sexual intimacy after divorce
Even if your relationship has been monogamous for a while, it’s a smart idea to have STIs tested before you start sex. By knowing your sexual health, you will be ready to embark on your next adventure.
Even if you are certain that the results will not be positive, another reason to have your test done is to make it easier to reach out to someone who has recently been tested.
What is safer sex?
These are some questions to consider:
- What was the result of your last test?
- How many partners did you have since then?
- Has the relationship been tested with these partners?
- Are you able to put up barriers for those partners?
- Do you feel safer talking to every new partner in sex?
The answers to these questions can be important, but it is equally important how they approach the conversation. Does it seem like they are annoyed you brought up the topic? Do they seem offended? Does it look like they haven’t thought about safety in the past? All of these reactions are bad signs.
Sexual safety does not just mean protecting yourself from infection. It also involves feeling secure. If you’re worried about STIs, it can be difficult to relax and have fun. Your feelings are important to a good partner. You might find it difficult to have this conversation with your partner if they are not interested in your needs. It’s okay if both you and your new partner are positive about an STI. Many people have sex lives that are satisfying and full of STIs. However, it is important to share this information for precautions and to allow everyone to give informed consent.
Sexual communication
There is no one who can read the mind of another person. However, if you have had sex with the exact same person for a while you may be accustomed to your partner knowing you and your preferences. Although sexual communication is important to maximize pleasure, it’s essential that you have it with someone new. Be prepared to have honest and open conversations with your new partner about the kind of sex that you would like to have. It is important to communicate with your partner in advance, as well as asking for feedback and making requests during sex. You can start to feel overwhelmed if you have to talk during sex. Focus on one of two options: “Harder, or softer.” “Faster” or “Later.” “Left, or right.”
Performance anxiety
It’s not uncommon to carry sexual baggage from prior relationships. Partnered sex is dependent on the chemistry between the partners and the connection between them. If a relationship is difficult, sex can often suffer. This doesn’t mean one person is “bad at sex.” You don’t have to worry about the same marital problems that you had with your spouse.
Even so, first-time sex can be stressful. Stress is the enemy and enemy of pleasure. It can be difficult to feel euphoric or sexually active when you are anxious. It can make it more difficult for your body do the things you want.
New Relationship Energy
The feeling that comes with being with someone else is known as New Relationship Energy (NRE) in polyamory. NRE can be a life-altering force. This is why it has its own acronym. Intoxicating sex can make you feel good. NRE can make it difficult to make important life decisions. Just enjoy the feeling. It’s amazing to feel loved and have pleasure for a long time, especially if you’ve been there.
However, these feelings don’t necessarily mean you have to commit to something serious immediately (or ever). Instead of jumping on the first thing that makes you feel alive, give yourself some time to adjust to all that is available.
After divorce, how do you have sexual relations with your ex?
You may not realize how common it is to have an affair with your ex. It’s comforting to be surrounded by familiarity. Even if the sex wasn’t the problem why not? It’s possible for ex-partners or friends to make new friendships with benefits. However, it’s best to wait until your break-up is over before you do this. It’s easy to slip into old ways or choose to follow the path that feels right.
It doesn’t matter if you are considering having sex in the future with an ex or a divorcee from the past. Make sure you make a clear decision. This is a great opportunity to reach out to friends and gauge their reactions before you propose the idea.
Additional Resource:
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4304864/
https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/divorce
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm